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Saturday, 9 August 2014

Essay Correction 3 (Public Health)


Public health is a major issue nowadays.  Some people say the government should make laws to restrict fast foods and to change nutrition habits of people for healthier ones.  Others argue that this is a totally personal issue and everyone should take care of it on their own.  Do you agree or disagree?

Introduction (Original)

Nowadays, the deterioration of public health due to increased consumption of fast foods has become a big problem, which needs active intervention. Some people argue that government takes remedies to prevent this health hazard and others argue that it can work out only by the individual decision of people. This essay attempts to analyse this issue detail.

Introduction (Corrected and Improved)

Nowadays, the deterioration of public health due to increased consumption of fast foods has become a serious problem, which requires immediate attention.  Some people argue that government should take legal action to deal with this crisis, whereas others say that it can be addressed only through individual initiatives.  This essay attempts to analyse this issue detail.

Supporting paragraph (original)

Firstly, the ever increasing fast food industry has changed food habits of people. Even though, the public is aware about the nocuous effects of junk food, they depend on fast food owing to its easiest availability. And also quite often our society does not stick to the rules set by themselves and end up in totally unhealthy lifestyle and food habits. If government put forward certain laws, they cannot neglect it and this will in turns help to mould healthy citizens. To exemplify, the tax inflation of conventional food will reduce its marketing and reduce its usage among public and promote inclination to cost effective nutritious food.
 
Supporting paragraph (Corrected and Improved)

On the one hand, although the public is aware of the negative effects of fast foods, they depend on them owing to the taste, convenience and easy availability.  Also, citizens, quite often, do not stick to the rules set by themselves and end up following unhealthy lifestyles and food habits.  If government enact certain laws, they cannot neglect them and this in turns would help people to develop healthy lifestyles.  To exemplify, an increase in the tax of fast foods would reduce its consumption and promote an inclination towards cost effective nutritious foods.

Opposing paragraph one (original)

On the other hand, eating is a human right as speaking and thinking and also it depends on personal interest. So the government laws cannot nurture healthy food habits among people independently. In other words, public consume fast foods in spite of its high cost and decreased availability like smoking and alcoholism. Hence the individual management of each and every person also inevitable as government rules to attain public health.

Opposing paragraph one (Corrected and Improved)

On the other hand, many people believe that the freedom to choose one’s food is a basic human right just like the right to express one’s ideas.  Therefore, government cannot impose laws to teach healthy food habits.  Besides, people would consume fast foods in spite of the high cost and decreased availability, as in the case of smoking and drinking.  Moreover, as fast food is a major industry and restricting it by government rules is unreasonable, as it would affect the economy and the livelihood of people who depend on it.

Opposing paragraph two (original)

Moreover, as fast food is a vast industry, the complete restriction of junk food by government rules is impossible. Therefore the government can make only limited control in the form of tax inflation and awareness programmes. Since the self control of fast foods by each and every citizen of a country is essential to achieve public health.

Opposing paragraph two (Corrected and Improved)

Analysing both the views clearly shows that either of the measures alone is insufficient in dealing with this problem effectively.  Therefore, government can implement certain limited legal measures to address this problem, like increasing the tax to an extent.  At the same time, a disciplined management of food habits by each individual is inevitable to achieve the improvement of public health.

Conclusion (original)

In short, both government laws and self avoidance of junk food by people would have equal role in moulding public health rather than one remedy stands alone for the health hazards owing to increased usage fast food among people.

Conclusion (Corrected and Improved)

In short, both government laws and a self disciplined approach by individuals towards junk foods play complementary roles in improving public health.  One measure alone would not be adequate to control the sale and consumption of fast-foods.

1 comment:

rini said...

Very good essay sir