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Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Essay Correction 2 (Standards of People’s Health)




Question

The standards of people’s health will be lower in the coming future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Introduction (original)

As the axiom goes, health is wealth. A healthy lifestyle is an important and basic for everyone’s life. Now days, people have careless mentality towards their health, because they are leading a hectic life. This custom will increase in future also. Hence I agree with these statements because of some reason, which are given below.

Introduction (corrected)

A healthy lifestyle is important and the basis for everyone’s life.  Nowadays, people have a careless attitude towards their health, because they are leading a hectic life. This tendency will become more prominent in future.  Hence I agree with this statement because of reasons given below.

(I have just corrected the grammar of the introduction.  This does not appropriately address the task.  The question is not about a ‘healthy lifestyle’, and therefore write about health.  Moreover, don’t write a reason for deterioration of health in the introduction itself.  You can talk about ‘unhealthy lifestyle’ in the body of the essay.) 

Introduction (improved)

A better introduction may be:

Although a great deal of improvement has been made in the healthcare sector, there is a rising concern about the lowering standards of human health, especially due to the increasing lifestyle diseases.  Hence, many people fear that in the future there will be deterioration in people’s physical wellness and I support this view.

First Body Paragraph (original)

To begin with, because of globalization and technological advancement, people always engaged in their own works.  They don’t have an enough time to consider their health and lifestyle. For instance, people are compelled to eat fast foods because they don’t get an enough time to cook at home. These foods contain high amount of fat and carbohydrates.
This will spoil our health.

(I have corrected the grammar of this paragraph.  You need to understand that the first sentence of the paragraph should answer the question ‘why do you think people’s health will be worse in the future?’  It is also an opportunity for you to write a complex sentence.)

First Body Paragraph (corrected)

To begin with, because of globalization and technological advancements, people spend too many hours at work. They don’t have an enough time to care for their health and lifestyle.  For instance, people are compelled to eat fast foods because they don’t get an enough time to cook at home. These foods contain high amount of fat and carbohydrates and spoil their health.

First Body Paragraph (improved)

I rewrote your topic sentence and example in this way:

To begin with, due to the excess pressure and long hours at work, most people would find it difficult to care for their health, in terms of having a healthy diet or sufficient physical exercise.  This would definitely have a negative impact on the health of majority of people, in the coming decades.  For example, people would be compelled to eat fast foods and tinned foods as they may not get enough time cook at home.  Since these foods contain high amount of fat and carbohydrates they can affect people’s health very seriously.

Second Body Paragraph (original)

In addition, second thing is developing of bad habits among people, such as smoking, alcoholism and so on. To cite an example, as a part of their job and business they have to attend many parties and functions. By the time people are forced to drink or smoke to show off their social standard. Besides, people believe that it is the best way to relax their mind from the tension and stress which they are facing at work place.

Second Body Paragraph (corrected and improved)

In addition, there is an increasing addiction to bad habits, such as, smoking and alcoholism, especially among the middle and upper middle class society.  To explain, diseases like oral cancers and cirrhosis of the liver are often linked to the above addictions.  To cite an example, as a part of their job and business, people have to attend many parties and functions.  On such occasions, they are forced to drink or smoke to show off their social status, which often grow into an addiction.  Besides, people believe that it is the best way to relax their mind from the tension and stress at work.

Opposing view (original)

On the other hand, some people believe that advancement of technology will increase the knowledge and standards of health in future. However from the evidence, it indicates that the concept of health and standards will become worst in future than present.

Opposing view (corrected and improved)

On the other hand, some people believe that the advancements in healthcare and the invention of new medicines for many chronic illnesses point to the improvement in the standards of health in the future.  However, changing life-styles and increasing indulgence in bad habits among people indicate a definite decline in the quality of health in the future.

Conclusion (original)

To sum up, even though there is some problem, technological development has its own advantages. And it is inevitable for our next generation. In my opinion, people should conscious about their health as like their work.  

(The summary should generally be a summary of the essay and should state the position of the writer.  This conclusion does not meet that requirement.)

Conclusion (improved)

To sum up, despite the claims of better physical well-being, there are clear signs that the future generations will need to deal with worse disease conditions compared to the present. 


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